oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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