I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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