I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
