so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
