it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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