New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It's shark week go big or go home
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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