I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
