theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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