I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
then he tried to convert me to islam
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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