he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize