I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
