I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
