I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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