Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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