If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
