Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
