Are we in a gay sports bar?
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
