i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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