she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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