Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
