guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
