if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
