dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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