I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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