oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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