hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
