wanna go halves on a baby?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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