So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
