Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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