It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
