Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
