I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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