Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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