i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
