I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
