i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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