Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
