My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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