he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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