You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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