Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
