Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
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