im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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