Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
