We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
