i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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