R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
