my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
