i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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