You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
