Joe is yelling at the trees again.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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