thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
