1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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