Got a toothbrush?
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
