i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
