I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
