3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
