you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
