I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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