Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
