You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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