someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
